Question: Which book description is more enticing?

Photo Credit: Writers and Artists

I love that more of you guys are Liking, commenting, reading, and following my blog. Obviously, right? Well, now I’m going to ask for your input on a relatively important issue I’m facing. My book’s description on Amazon! This will likely be the third time I change it, and I’m counting on you all to help me out a bit. Sound okay? Okay. Also, you should know that I’m not really worried about the book description selling more books. My book came out almost six months ago and I rarely tell people about it in person anymore because I’ve already told just about everyone I know.

Now all I’m going to do is have you read the current description and another I have written out. For this to be a bit more blind, I’m going to remove the description from the My Book page. I ask that you NOT click on the Amazon link before you make a recommendation, because I obviously can’t change that one just yet. So just tell me what you think! Here we go:

Option #1

A teenage girl walks into the office of Houston area private detective Andrew Banks a day before the office is set to open. But Mercedes is sent home before she’s able to disclose anything about why she’s there in the first place.

As instructed, she returns the following day after taking the night to think about why she needs a private detective, but still, she’s unable to give Banks any concrete information about her problem. All she knows is that her parents appear to be more combative than she’s ever seen them, and not much else.

Banks agrees to take her on as his first client thinking it’ll be a walk in the park, until he meets her parents. Alejandra is a stay-at-home mom who often buys herself things for all the work she does at home. Carlos is a banking manager who can no longer afford his wife’s constant buying.

Just when Carlos is on the verge of financial collapse, an old high school friend makes his way into his life. Carlos is offered a job that pays $10,000 a month and all he has to do is drive a car. That is, from Houston across the Mexican border and back again every two weeks with drugs being his only company during these long trips.

Now Carlos Vega wants out. Banks is ill-equipped to handle the case on his own, but he’s given no choice. Police intervention isn’t an option and an entire family entrusts him to get them out alive. He vows to do his best, but even that may not be enough.

Option #2

Houston area private eye Andrew Banks is hired by sixteen-year-old Mercedes Vega to determine what’s dividing her parents. As soon as he meets the rest of the Vega family he realizes that the situation is only one step from becoming dire. He puts the safety of the family over everything else until the case hits much too close to home and it becomes a race against a wealthy restaurant owner that ultimately turns deadly.

Okay, those are your choices! Don’t go on Amazon and cheat, please!

51 thoughts on “Question: Which book description is more enticing?

  1. Option #2. The first one is very descriptive, but I feel like I have already read the story. The second one is just enough to catch my attention and creates a desire to open the pages and dive in.


  2. Okay, if you’re looking for a description and not a blurb then option 1. Only thing is that it sucks to read. The names are thrown out like we already know them, and the descriptions could probably be toned down a bit, otherwise I’d feel like I don’t need to read the book because I already know it.
    You want to catch the eye of the reader quickly, this doesn’t do it for me. But option 2 would be great on the back of the book.


  3. I’m leaning toward option 2 mainly because it leaves some mystery that I think would interest one to want to read the book to find out what’s going on. Also, option 2 is easier to follow!


  4. I would pick number 2 also. But I feel like you could continue working on it still.
    1. Length: You want it short. People aren’t going to spend time reading a summary.
    2. Details. You don’t want to tell the reader everything in the summary. Leave room for surprises. You want to entice the reader, not boggle the reader’s mind with information and events.
    3. Grammar. Obviously use proper grammar. Readers will see through your mistakes especially since they are determining whether to read it or not. Avoid passive voice.
    4. Words. This is the time to whip out really amazing words out of a thesauruses. The idea of a summary is to entice the reader. Your job is to force the reader to pick your book.
    5. Entice. See the key word throughout this? This is what a summary is about. If the reader feels likes it is another boring detective story, then they aren’t going to buy it. You want to shroud the book with mystery (but not too much or else nobody will understand you).
    Ever saw a beautiful woman take off her make up to only see her beauty melt off her face? Well, the book is the woman and you are makeup artist in this situation.
    I think you need to work on the fact that you are boggling the reader’s head with information overload.Your last sentence I would cut in half, after “that” because it sounds choppy and seemingly just prolongs the summary. You could possibly reword it if you want to keep the detail there. Also the first sentence is awkward because it’s passive voice. As advertised in any grammar book, passive voice makes a sentence way longer than necessary. You can cut out most words in general just by using one really good word or turn a simple verb into a verb with oomph! But now I am trailing off… anyways the second is definitely an improvement from the first. But as I said you could still improve it. Good luck!

    Liked by 2 people

  5. Unlike everyone else, I’d go for the first one.
    Nah, just kidding. I never did finish reading it, whereas #2 did a far better job at grabbing my attention. I loved Eli Jenkins’ comments, though!


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