Tag: humor

The Diary of an Unhappy Nobody: Day 9

John Guillen4 Comments

This will be a bit on the lighthearted side.

I’ve always loved naps. Any time of day. Any day of the week. My only real requirement in recent years has been that I must be in my own bed. Exceptions for travel, but I’ve never fallen asleep on a flight and I couldn’t tell you when I last fell asleep in the car.

My typical work shift ends at 7:00 pm. By about 7:40 last night I was home on the couch watching TV. By about 8:15 I felt like a sleepy puppy who couldn’t keep my eyes open. I finally gave up right around 9:00 and went to bed.

The moral of the story is that I’m an old man in a 26-year-old body. None of this has anything to do with my recent posts. I just love sleep, and clearly need it.

Also, I’m writing this just after midnight now. Pretty sure I’ll be up until dawn. Late naps turn me into a nocturnal vampire. I’m even about to eat now. 😂

James Comey Gets A Book Deal

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Not surprising. I’m just going to brainstorm some possible titles.

Thirteen Reasons Why Trump Colluded With Russia

If Trump Did It

All The Lies We Cannot See

Big Little Hands

Donald Trump And The Election Thief

Guys, this is meant to be funny. Let’s not get too serious here. But really, any thoughts on a possible title?

This is Unfair

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In previous years McDonald’s has had campaigns to give away books in their Happy Meals. I think the campaigns usually last about a month. This year hadn’t been any different. Except that the books are only being distributed in Canada. The most American of companies is picking Canada over the US. Justin Trudeau over Donald Trump. The cold over the not as cold. Ugh.

Fix this, McDonalds! Now.

PS: I’m pretty sure the US campaign will be later this year. 

This is no Time to Break Rules

John Guillen4 Comments

Tomorrow is that made up day we know as Mother’s Day. If you get someone flowers, let me just tell you you’re lazy. And about as original as a can of corn. But I don’t really care what you do or don’t do. So long as you don’t break the ONLY rule that always applies. Which rule is that?

NO BOOKS AS GIFTS.

The end.

Goodreads…For Love?

John Guillen4 Comments

Guys, this is probably going to sound stupid to some of y’all. Fair warning.

I’ve never really had a real relationship with anyone before. There are a number of contributing factors to this statistic of mine, but I believe I know the top one. I’ve never really wanted to be in one. You know those people who are ALWAYS in a relationship? Like, they’ll be with someone for a year, break up, and then a month later they’re with someone else. Oh boy, do I know those people. Lots of them. Just think of me as the complete opposite.

When I think of my priorities right now I come up with a few. Travel. Learning. Improving. See, even as I write this I wouldn’t list a relationship anywhere near the top of my list of things I want to do. But I can see your all-knowing gaze. You’re thinking I wouldn’t be writing this if I wasn’t feeling more open to the idea, right? Welp. You caught me.

When I think of myself and the whole dating scene I’m just like “WHAA?”. And when I think of all the so-called dating apps I’m just like 🏃. That’s me running away for those of you on a computer.

We have dating apps for everyone. Farmers. Christians. Different ethnicities. Sexual preference. Casual sex. Over 50. And on and on. Why hasn’t someone developed an app for people who may or may not be obsessed with books!? This is a serious question. That’s an app I’d download and fill out a full profile for. I mean, why not? Other dating apps oftentimes have questionnaires in order to “match” users. I’d rather compare my responses to book-related questions than the crap that gets asked in other apps. I’ll even offer some easy starter ones to get you and your developer friend off the ground running.

“Have you read Fifty Shades of Grey”?

“Do you rate every book you read 4 or 5 stars?”

“How often do you give books as gifts?”

“When was the last time you started and finished a book in a single day?”

“Rank these in order of importance: books, oxygen, water, shelter, food.”

I mean, tell me this isn’t a fantastic idea! I want this app. I want someone to read this and believe it could work. Then I want someone to develop it. Then I want to download it. Then, well, let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves here.

Are you aware of any literary-centered dating apps currently available? If yes, tell me. If not, go find one. 😎

UPDATE: After writing this but before publishing I discovered that there was a dating site devoted to book lovers. It was called Alikewise. It shut down last year. Guys, I could have missed my opportunity to find *gulp* “the one”. I’m sad.

Boston: Day 3

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Today wasn’t as productive as I’d have liked. Let me explain.

I started late. The goal is to make it to my first museum each day as soon as it opens. I’ve !issued that goal two days in a row now. I entered the Museum of Science, Boston around 10:30 in the morning. It opens at 9:00. So immediately the clock is against me. But I put that out of my head as soon as I enter the museum. It’s massive. Reminds me of any Smithsonian. I fall well behind schedule. I finish my trek through the museum around 2:00 PM. My original schedule gave me until noon.

At this point I knew I’d cut off something from the day. Because I happened to eat lunch in Faneuil Hall, and I wanted to explore it. So I’m walking along looking at all these cool shops and stands, right? Just minding my own business. Then it happens. I hear this girl singing live from around the corner. I can’t move. She’s so good. I find out her name is Lauren Weintraub. She’s 18. I sit there and listen to her sing for 90 minutes. Who throws EVERYTHING off. I no longer have time for any more museums. I explore the market son more and get a smoothie. By this time my phone battery is quickly dying. But it surely won’t get all the way down to 0% before I can hail a Lyft, right? Wrong. Phone died. I’m in what I think is downtown Boston with no way to get back to my Airbnb. I enter a “Mercantile Mall” believing a store would have a charger. Nothing was open. No charger. I asked the only person I came across where I could find a charger. She said CVS was nearby. I hopes she was right.

She was. And it was within walking  distance. I bought a cheap charger and charged my phone in the store. All is well that ends well. I’m packing my charger everyday now. Just in case.

PS: My absolute last resort would have been to have  someone hail an Uber or Lyft and then just give them the money in cash. Not sure if that would have worked.

Write Things Down

John Guillen9 Comments

This post has no point. Except to remind you to write things down. Because every one of us is constantly aging. And our ability to remember things is slowly disintegrating.

I had a really interesting topic to write about today. A young girl is doing something really special with her artistic ability, but I can’t seem to find an article about her now that I want to read it a second time. Welp.

Write things down, people. Even something as unimportant as an idea for a blog post.

Is Reading Dorky?

John Guillen5 Comments

I haven’t read a single page of any book since I started my new job less than two weeks ago. It goes without saying that I’ve finally shown you all of the videos I’ve made so far this year. But I bet you’re tired of those damn reviews, right? Heck, I’m a bit tired of them myself. So I took this opportunity to talk about something I’ve been wanting to address for YEARS. Seriously. One of the things I see everywhere on BookTube, Bookstagram, and book blogs is people telling me how nerdy or dorky reading is. I just had to set the record straight in my latest video. It’s less than four minutes! A quick watch!

Now tell me what YOU think! Do you think reading is dorky?!

2016 Reading Challenge: The Martian

John Guillen12 Comments

WOWZA.

Guys, THIS BOOK!

By now everyone knows the story of this book. And I imagine most people also know that it was originally self published. I know just about every person alive has an opinion on this book. This will be mine.

I cannot praise this book enough. I don’t know if the science is 100% accurate, but it doesn’t matter. He made me believe every single word of it. It’s odd because this is both one of the funniest books I’ve read while also being one of the most hopeless.

I admit that I’d seen the movie beforehand, but as great as the movie and Matt Damon were, they don’t come close to the original.

  • The writing style
  • The humor
  • The SCIENCE

I loved every one of those things in this book. I talked about the language used in my book as being unnecessary and forced. This book showed me the difference between a true professional and an amateur. He used cussing throughout the book, but you know what? IT WORKED PERFECTLY. I’m not sure why people criticize authors sometimes for using language that we use every single day of our lives. I don’t think it makes any sense. So I imagine there would be individuals who’d say they’re turned off by the language in the book. My response would be that THEY LEFT HIM ON MARS. IT ISN’T GOING TO BE SUNSHINE AND RAINBOWS.

Whew. Moving on.

I enjoyed the interaction between all of the characters because I felt that it most represented how people actually interact instead of how characters typically interact in books and on TV shows. It never feels natural to me.

I have nothing negative to say about the book. How often does that happen with me!? But I can’t write this post without talking about Mark Watney. He’s very likely the funniest character I’ve ever read. Which is crazy because he was left for dead on Mars! I enjoyed all of his scientific explanations for the crazy things he was doing to stay alive, though I understand why they were largely left out of the movie.

There is one other part of this book I want to talk about. Rarely does all of humanity get behind something. Actually, it doesn’t happen. But in this book that’s exactly what happened. Billions of people were behind Watney. They were working to get him food. They were praying for him. They were coming up with rescue plans. It comes down to something Bill Nye said throughout Unstoppable. He said earth is our only home for now, but I’d take it a step further. Earth is our only home but every one of us is human. We spend enormous amounts of resources, money, time, and human capital just trying to tear each other apart. We kill mercilessly and needlessly. And we view our own brothers and sisters as enemies. I think our possibilities as humans are limitless, if only we could recognize the potential that we’d have simply by working together. We could go to Mars faster than we anticipate. We could cure disease for everyone, not just the West. We could end military conflicts that go on and on with no end in sight. We could raise the quality of life for every person on earth. And we could live in a more prosperous and peaceful world. If only we could recognize that there’s a common ground between every one of us.

Thanks, Andy Weir. For writing a book that shows us exactly what humanity is capable of if we simply work together. Now let’s get to moving closer to that vision.

This satisfied the requirement to read a book set in a foreign country. I mean, Mars is another planet! Ha!

Have you read The Martian!? What did you think?